three words: i give head
three words: not that well
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
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