Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
