Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
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