I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
