the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I believe in your delicious
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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