the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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