I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
