I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
