Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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