Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
