i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
