just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
