4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
It's blow job season.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
