Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
