Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
