why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
