if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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