There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
