Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Randomize
