I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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