how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
BRING THE BAGELS
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize