I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
