Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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