i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
