I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
