Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
