God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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