I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize