LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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