Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
