i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
