You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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