I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
where does the pee come out of this thing
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize