Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
