So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
