shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
