theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
