I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
