its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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