Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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