I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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