I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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