Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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