I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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