i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
