watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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