he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
