I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize