She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
