I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
