My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
