You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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