After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
