Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
