Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
