I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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