if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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