It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
