You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
