When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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