His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
