Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The beer is more important than you right now.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
