Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
